Come fly the friendly skies!
by Moritarty-and-Crumblebatch
Summary: Basically lots of little stories involving the Cabin Pressure crew, and a new member, a Miss Gloria Knapp, Carolyn's highly trained air hostess niece . I will add more as time goes on, enjoy!
1. The professional

I would like to point out this is totally unedited so, feel free to point out mistakes and so on. Please keep it constructive though! Also, I may write more. Not an actual story, more little drabbles and situations. Hope you enjoy it!

The Professional

"Right then you pair of imbeciles." Carolyn said to Martin and Douglas as she strode into the cockpit. Arthur was trailing after her with the usual inane grin on his face.

"And good morning to you too Carolyn." Douglas muttered darkly.

"And what do we owe the pleasure of your presence today?" Martin inquired.

"Tell 'em Mum!" Arthur said, hopping from foot to foot. Carolyn waved a hand airily,

"As you may be aware, we have an inspection on Friday..." She started. Martin mock gasped,

"No, really? You never mentioned it! Ok, maybe once...or twice. Or every moment of every day since you got the letter..."

"Shut up Martin!" Carolyn snapped briskly. "As I want MJN Air to pass, I want it to appear professional. That means currently we stand no chance of passing."

"But Carolyn..." Martin started. He was quickly silenced by an icy death glare from Carolyn, who continued her speech.

"Because of this, and by an extraordinary stroke of luck, I have invited a real air hostess down for two weeks." She said,

"Cousin Gloria!" Arthur said gleefully.

"_Cousin _Gloria?" Repeated Douglas. "She's a relation to you? That's just what MJN needs, two Arthurs."

"My niece, Gloria Knapp." Carolyn said, "Is twenty two and has probably flown around the world more times than you I'd say. She works for British Airways, but she did a special training course with the SAS."

"That stands for Scandinavian Airline Service." Arthur interrupted.

"Really? I didn't know that Arthur." Douglas said sarcastically. Arthur nodded seriously,

"Really, really." He said. Sarcasm was wasted on him. Martin huffed,

"Well yippee for HER!" He said sulkily.

"Martin! Show her some respect when she arrives. She's going to be a member of your crew and an example of what I want YOU to be!" Carolyn said. "Now, she's boarding Heathrow. We have an hour to get there, which is plenty of time. After that we have to get to Paris for three. I suggest you get moving." And with that she stalked out of the cockpit.

"Bet she's a right snooty woman." Martin grumbled. In his experience, air hostesses tended to be heavily made up and generally dumb blondes. He felt insulted that HE the CAPTAIN should have to show HER respect, and not the other way around! "Respect! Pah! I fly this plane; all she has to do is get up occasionally to give a passenger a drink or something." Douglas cleared his throat a little before speaking,

"In fairness, sir, she has had training from the SAS. They fly in terrible conditions. Imagine what sort of training she had to do." Douglas pointed out. Arthur was nodding fervently at his statement,

"Yeah, she said they did several disaster scenarios. They even had to escape from a submerged aeroplane! She said it was like, really scary, she had to hold her breath for aaaaages, but she did it!" He agreed

"There you go sir." Douglas said. Martin tightened his tie,

"Well I fly with you two regularly, I have averted disasters too, and I do it without training." He replied. "She's is an air hostess and I will make sure she respects ME. The Captain."

"Of course you will." Douglas said. "Arthur, prepare for take off..."

"WHO IS CAPTAIN." Martin squeaked. Douglas rolled his eyes,

"You are, sir."

"Then I give the orders! Arthur, prepare for take off."

"Right-ho skip!" Arthur said, and disappeared into the cabin.

Martin was fiddling about with the dials when Arthur and Douglas came back into the cockpit, "Did you find the chocolate Arthur wanted?" Martin asked.

"Yes." Douglas said, and sat down. "Heaven help the poor passengers when he gets high from the sugar." He shifted a little in his seat, "So Martin, what is it you have against air hostesses anyway?" Arthur opened his mouth, but Douglas shot him a look and he closed his mouth with a snap.

"Well." Martin said, "They're highly trained in throwing food at the passengers if they so desire it. There is no SKILL in it, not like us Douglas. We fly this plane after all. We make this pile of metal FLY. They just stand at the front of the cabin, all pouty and fluttering their eyelashes as they show you the exits all 'OOH TO YOUR LEFT, AND TO YOUR RIGHT' flouncing about and acting flirty if you are a mildly attractive male passenger!"

"Er skip?" Arthur said, tapping Martin's shoulder.

"Not now Arthur! I tell YOU Douglas, if Gertie crashes into the sea, heaven forbid if she does. Miss Knapp will be the one screaming and crying and running about the place in panic, SAS training or no SAS training."

"Skip?"

"Arthur! I'm nearly finished WAIT." Martin said, he was on a roll and nothing was going to stop him. He looked to Douglas again. "All air hostess are the same, just pretty faces for the airline, advertising. If the airline has a pretty hostess; they will fly with them again. It's never 'Oh that pilot was excellent, lets fly with them again' NO. It's the hostesses. Pilots never get a thank you and they are the ones doing all the work. I can't see why Carolyn wants a hostess to make us look more professional, all Miss Knapp will do is flutter her eyelashes and MJN will pass. We are better off without her." Martin finished his rant, and sighed. "That is why I don't like air hostesses."

"Fair enough. I do not share your view sir though sir." Douglas said.

"Each man to themselves." Martin said flippantly. "Arthur, was there something you were going to say?" Arthur nodded,

"Skip. I was going to say Gloria boarded with us, she was in the cabin...And Douglas had his finger on the tannoy button the whole time you were speaking and now _Gloria is right over there_." Arthur said, jabbing his finger to the cabin door.

"And she heard every single word." Said an irate female voice. Martin's face fell and his cheeks flushed scarlet. "Captain Crieff, please turn around so I can see you." Martin turned slowly to see a young woman of average height in a navy skirt, white shirt and a waistcoat with a yellow scarf knotted about her neck. Her red-brown wavy hair was tide back neatly, apart from a few stray wisps, and she was scowling at him. "I normally do not voice my opinions on Captains to people but since you so willingly shared your opinions on hostesses, I think I am allowed to." Gloria took a breath and put her hands on her hips, "Captains are often just little wimpy men with a ton of gold braid to compensate for their minute amount of masculinity. You obviously have some issues with the amount on your hat. I hope it doesn't hurt your head too much when you wear it sir. Also, they aren't the ones dealing with screaming babies, whiny passengers and the ones who seem to throw up every where, including my shoes. The hostesses deal with this every day and we make sure they don't go bothering you, the Captain, as you do your job. All you have to do is fly the plane. A job which can so easily be done by a ROBOT." Gloria snapped, before looking at Douglas and adding calmly "Pleasure to meet you Mr Richardson by the way."

"You too Miss Knapp." Douglas said, a little startled at her change in demeanour.

Gloria smiled, before looking back at Martin, "So what have you to say for yourself Captain? Not very nice to be insulted, is it?" She glowered at him for a moment, before Martin's face crumpled and he started to sniff loudly.

"That was a v-v-v-very hurtful thing to s-s-say Miss Knapp!" He sobbed, tears welling up. "I was set up, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to insult you!" His voice cracked as he spoke, the tears trickling down his cheeks. Gloria took her hands off her hips and moved a few steps closer, unsure if this grown man, the Captain, was crying. It was a rather pitiful sight.

"Please stop crying sir." Gloria said. Martin just started to cry louder. "PLEASE stop crying sir." She insisted, but it only made him sob even louder. "Captain Crieff PLEASE STOP CRYING!"

"S-s-stop sh-shouting at mu-mu-me!" He wailed. Gloria moved a little closer,

"Are you seriously crying because of me?" She asked, pulling out a tissue. Gloria pressed it into his hand; he was starting to make her feel uncomfortable. "Pull yourself together, please." She said quietly. The door clanged open and Carolyn stomped in, alerted by the sounds and activity from within the cockpit.

"Captain Crieff!" She cried. "I ask you to show some respect to Gloria and this is how you treat...Is he crying?"

"Yes." Gloria said, "I think he is."

"Gloria shouted at him and made him cry." Arthur added, before taking a bite of his chocolate bar.

"Martin isn't used to a woman so honest and strong giving her opinion of him straight to his face. Other than YOU Carolyn." Douglas said. Carolyn tutted,

"Do man up Martin." She said, "I think she had the right to share her opinion on you after those shenanigans over the tannoy."

"B-b-but she said I could be replaced by a r-r-robot." Martin hiccoughed.

"I highly doubt that." Carolyn said.

"Was that you being NICE Carolyn?" Douglas asked surprised.

"No. It's cheaper to have you Martin, you don't rust or breakdown...Not often anyway." Martin blew his nose in the tissue Gloria had given him. "Since the passengers are ready to board I suggest you two apologise to one another and make up. I can't have a Captain who's crying because the hostess insulted him." She looked at Gloria,

"Oh um. Sorry...Captain Crieff. I shouldn't generalise you. I haven't been here long, I'm sure you are an excellent Captain. And I hope we can be friends even after this horrid misunderstanding." Gloria apologised to Martin. He had stopped crying now, apart from the occasional hiccough. He dabbed his red rimmed eyes,

"Apology accepted. A-a-and I'm sorry too for insulting you, I never meant t-t-to offend you. I am sure you are a very capable hostess really." Martin said.

"Good." Carolyn said. "Douglas, I know how much you enjoy torturing poor Martin, but, please could you try to not upset him in the future."

"Yes Carolyn." Douglas sighed.

"Hurrah! We're all friends again!" Cheered Arthur. There was an uncomfortable silence between them all,

"Right then Arthur, Gloria. Let's get the passengers on board." Carolyn said. "Are you ready Captain Crieff?"

"I suppose."

"That's good enough!" Carolyn said wearily, before ushering Gloria and Arthur from the cockpit leaving Martin and Douglas alone. They were silent for a good few minutes, before Douglas started to snigger.

"What." Martin said, clenching his jaw.

"Nothing, _sir_." He continued to snigger. Martin rammed his hat on, the violent pink flush creeping across his cheeks.

"Glad to hear it." He replied stiffly. Martin knew Douglas wasn't going to forget this incident, not for a long time.


	2. Word association

Sorry I took so long uploading! I promise I'll upload more often.

I don't own the characters. (Bar Gloria)

Word association

"I am bored." Arthur announced, as he strode into the cockpit. "Bored, bored, bored. I'm ... boreder than a board in a bored board factory."

"Pardon?" Martin said, turning in his seat slightly.

"I'M BORED."

"Really? I would never have guessed." Muttered Douglas. "Where's Gloria? Surely she knows of a way to occupy your little mind."

"She's in the cabin. She told me to come in here and you could think of something. You always think of something Douglas." Arthur grinned.

"Doing what exactly?"

"Err. Filing her nails."

"Ah! The harpy is sharpening her talons in preparation for the feast of the innocent flesh, also known as Martin."

"She is not harpy!" Martin said defensively. Douglas gave him a sly grin,

"Even after that display yesterday?"

"Yes...well...that wasn't-wasn't..."Martin stammered for a moment. "Under the circumstances it was a...acceptable reaction. We apologised, as we are PROFESSIONALS, and she is...a nice person." Martin started to flush an interesting shade of pink, right from his nose to his ears.

"Oooh Skip!" Arthur said. "Do you like her? I mean LIKE like her? I mean, 'cos I like her but not LIKE like her..."

"I think he gets the point Arthur." Douglas stopped him. "Go fetch Gloria, she's not escaping your sitting duties that easily."

Arthur returned with Gloria, who was wearing the MJN uniform like Arthur opposed to her BA one like yesterday. "Games." Douglas said. "Can you think of any Gloria?"

"Err." Gloria bit her lip, "Hide and seek."

"That can be played on Gertie, Gloria."

"I know! Give me a moment..."

"I can think of LOADS of places to hide on Gertie!" Arthur said. Gloria gave him a pitying look,

"You won't fit in an overhead locker Arthur." She said. "How about, word association? I say one word, then Douglas says one that is connected with it, then Martin...You do want to play Martin, don't you?"

"Hnnnegh." Martin said,

"Sorry?"

"Hnnnngh." He said. Gloria gave him a strange, and yet amused look,

"I'll take that as a yes." She said. "Do you get it Arthur?"

"Yep!"

"Sure you've got it?"

"I'm sure!"

"Well, ok." Gloria said. "Um, cloud."

"Water vapour." Douglas said.

"Rain." Martin managed to say. Arthur thought for a moment,

"Great Aunt Ida!" He said. There was a unanimous silence in the cockpit.

"Arthur." Douglas said, "Once again you have grasped the wrong end of the stick."

"What has your Great Aunt Ida got to do with rain?" Martin asked,

"Well, every time I visit her, it rains. So when you said rain, I thought of her!" Arthur explained.

"Yes...and no." Gloria said. "An obvious link Arthur, obvious to us all. Now, let's try again. Grass."

"Green."

"Um, vegetables."

"Mum's Chinese vase." Arthur said rather proudly. Gloria clapped her hand to her forehead,

"NNNNO." She said, through gritted teeth. "Not quite."

"What has Carolyn's vase got to do with vegetables?" Asked Douglas.

"Well." Arthur said, "I hate vegetables. So I distract Mum and hide them in the vase when she's not looking."

"The most amazing part of that sentence is the fact you own the knowledge to successfully distract Carolyn." Douglas said.

"I know." Arthur said, " I am quite cunning. Cunning like a frog."

"Fox." Said Martin.

"Where?"

"No, cunning like a FOX. Not a FROG." Martin said.

"I don't know Skip. Frogs are quite cunning. I mean I saw a programme where there were these frogs, yeah? And they could change their colour to distract things that might want to eat them, like, um..."

"The French?" Douglas suggested.

"Yes! And so that actually makes frogs quite cunning Skip." Arthur nodded fervently.

"Thank you for that insightful nature fact." Gloria sighed, "Lets try another time, and remember Arthur. It has to be obvious."

"Yes Gloria."

"Right. Er. Drink." Gloria said.

"Tea."

"Tea BAGS!" Martin said proudly.

"Horse." Arthur grinned.

"Jockey." Said Gloria.

"ARTH...Hold on. That made sense to you?" Martin said, surprised. Gloria nodded,

"Yes." She said.

"And in this world of Arthur logic, what does a horse have to do with tea bags?" Douglas asked.

"Easy! My horse is called Tea Bags." She said. "I don't ride him, he's pretty old. He lives on my parents farm."

"Why call your horse Tea Bags?" Douglas asked, "Why not Black Beauty or I don't know, Apple Jack?"

"Because he looks like a tea bag."

"Because he looks...like a tea bag." Echoed Douglas. Gloria shrugged,

"What? There's no problem with that, is there?" She said.

"I think it's a nice name." Martin said. "You could buy a Shetland pony and call it Sugar Lump. There was one near my house when I was little called Sugar Lump, lovely little white thing."

"Aw! That's sweet!" Gloria smiled.

"Wow! Brilliant Skip!" Arthur said, "I love horses."

"And I bet you used to pet him and feed him sugar lumps and you were best friends. Am I right Martin?" Douglas said sarcastically.

"...Yes." Martin said. "He was. Well, we're nearly ready to land. Better go get ready Arthur, Gloria."

"Right away Skip!" Arthur said, and they both left the cockpit.

"Sugar Lump the Shetland pony...Don't you know how to work the ladies Martin." Douglas said derisively.

"Shut up Douglas, it's true." Martin said. "I just neglected to mention he was a foul tempered little thing that went around head butting the bigger horses. It was probably to assert his dominance despite his size."

"No wonder you were best friends, you have a lot in common." Douglas said, earning him a icy glare from Martin.


	3. Cheesy Music

If you've never heard Air Hostess by Busted, go listen to it now. You have to admit it's a little cheesy, and sounds like something Arthur would hum. It reminds me of him in a way...

Cheese-y music

"No."

"_YES_" Douglas said emphatically. "I won the bet as per the usual around here, so make with the special welcome announcement." Martin pouted,

"Why not the cheese tray?" He asked.

"Because I'm in a bit of a devious mood today. And it isn't too different; it's replacing cheese with cheesy music."

I don't know the words." Martin muttered.

"Yes you do." Douglas handed him a sheet of paper, "Here, just read it out. The bits in bold you must sing."

"I don't know the tune."

"Martin everyone knows the tune! Arthur was humming it a few days ago after all. Either this song or _Martha _will have to make an appearance on observation day. And think, which will really annoy Carolyn the most?"

"This isn't fairrrrr!"Martin wailed. Douglas was smirking in triumph,

"Let me put it this way. You sacrifice your dignity, or your dignity AND your job." Martin was squirming in his seat, "Come on Captain, in your own time." Douglas drawled.

"Martin! Get your act together and make the announcement! The passengers are getting jumpy!" Carolyn's irate voice came over the intercom system.

"I'm sure there's a lovely hot pink dress in the lost property with your name all over it Martin..." Douglas said.

"Fine! Fine!" Martin squeaked, before clearing his throat.

*Bing-bong*

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Martin Crieff. I would just like to say a few words before our stewards do their safety demonstration..." He cleared his throat, "Walking through the terminal, I saw something beautiful. You left for your duty call. Next time getting on the plane, that's when I see you again. I can't get you off my brain. That uniform your wearing, so...Douglas! Pleeeease don't make me do this!"

"Just do it!"

"Ahem...so...hot I can't stop staring. You're putting on an... awesome show. The cabin pressure's...rising. My coke has got no ice in...Oh bloody hell, do I have to?..." Martin made a weird choking squeaking noise before singing in a trembling voice, "AIR HOSTESS. I LIKE THE WAY YOU DRESS. And once again thank you for flying MJN Air on behalf of all the crew and I." *Click*

All the occupants of the cabin, comprising of Carolyn, Arthur, Gloria, a wealthy lawyer called Mr Reynolds and his wife and two young sons, were silent. "Um." Carolyn was searching for something to say, "Gloria, just do the demonstration whilst I speak to the morons up front."

"Yes Aunty." Gloria's face expression was caught between awe, embarrassment and full blown hysterics, giving her the expression of someone who looks as if they might murder you if they felt like it. Or severe constipation.

"Was Skip singing Busted?" Arthur said, in a reverent whisper. Gloria nodded,

"I think he was." She whispered back.

"For us?"

"Huh?"

"Well, it is called Air Hostess, isn't it? We're the Air Hostesses." Arthur said. Gloria knew she'd have to explain it, but, she frankly couldn't be bothered.

"Yes Arthur. He was singing it for us." She said. Gloria turned to the four bemused passengers and started her well rehearsed safety demonstration.

"WHAT did you think you were doing Captain with that...ridiculous pop song!" Carolyn yelled.

"Douglas made me do it!" Martin said, with the air of a petty child telling tales. Carolyn sighed wearily, and rubbed her temple.

"Martin, you're a big boy now, you don't have to listen to Douglas. As you frequently remind people, YOU are the Captain. You don't have to always obey Douglas here."

"He threatened to put me in a pink dress and call me Martha when the Inspector comes!" Martin said.

"As amusing as that sounds Douglas, don't do it again. Don't even threaten it again." Carolyn said to the smug as ever Douglas.

"THANK YOU SKIP!" Arthur burst in and hugged Martin tightly.

"F'r whut?" Martin said, muffled by the hyperactive steward's arms that were currently locked around him.

"For the song!" Martin prised Arthur's arms off him,

"Glad-glad you liked it." Martin said, resettling his hat on his head.

"Did Gloria like it?" Douglas asked casually.

"I think so; her face sort of went like a fish when you started. I think she likes that song anyway..." Arthur said thoughtfully.

"Hm. Don't do it again, or else I'll have you put in the pink dress and called Martha before you can blink!" Carolyn threatened Martin.

"Yes Carolyn." Martin sighed.

"Good. Now lets get the Reynolds' to Florida without any further mishap." She said, striding toward the cockpit door. She stopped, hand on handle and looked back to the two pilots. "Oh and for that appalling display of musical talent Martin, no cheese tray for you. Or you Douglas for forcing his singing on us all."

"AWWWW." Martin and Douglas wailed as the door clanged shut.

"I thought it was brilliant Skip!" Arthur piped up. "I'll sneak the leftovers into you when Mum's not looking."

"Thanks Arthur." Douglas said, "But it may take more than cheese to cheer Martin up."


	4. PA Address

PA Address

(This can be a standalone piece, it isn't any time in particular either.)

*BING BONG*

Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen and all creatures great and small. Air hostess Gloria Knapp just here to say thanks for choosing MJN Air to fly with! We operate a strictly no smoking policy. Unless the plane is nose diving into the ocean or nearest land mass, then for all I care you can barbeque a goat in here.

Please do not move your seats from the upright position until I say so. If you do, you'll find the soft part of your face will connect with the hard part of the chair in front and I really have better things to do than sponge your blood from the upholstery... Don't say I didn't warn you.

Your seat belt does up like this and undoes like this. If you have some problems with how to do it, turn to the person who should be looking after you.

Life jackets are located under the seats...I hope. Fit the life jacket over your head, strap it around your body and tie it firmly up. Then pull the cord. There is a whistle attached to it to blow if we bail into the sea and you get separated from us. Do not blow it like the first trumpet in the philharmonic orchestra when we can plainly see you as all it will get you is a smart slap around the face from us.

Oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling in case of emergency. If you have a child, fit their mask first. If you have TWO children...Choose the one you like the most.

In case of emergency, the captain will enter the cabin to give instructions. If you're in doubt to who the Captain is, remember that tall, professional and distinguished gent greeting you as you boarded? Yes? Not him. The instructions will be on how to evacuate safely from this aeroplane if something should go wrong...and trust me it probably will. Do not bombard him with questions, because that will fluster him. Do not scream or show your fear because that will cause him to reciprocate the feelings. Also Ladies, if he does a walk up and down here in flight and blushes when he sees you don't try to flirt if you don't mean it or tease him in anyway. Yes he blushes violently and trips over his words, but it's not funny. Seriously. If you do Arthur and I will be forced to intervene, maybe even with extreme measures.

Make sure you take all your belongings with you when you leave. If you leave anything here, we'll keep it if one of the crew takes a fancy to it. I personally need a new winter coat. If not, then it goes in a box at our headquarters until you claim it. This goes for shoes, coats, hats, glasses, husbands and children.

Well all that's left to say is thank you for flying MJN Air and have a safe journey!

*BING BONG*

"Bravo! Bravo!" Arthur was applauding, "Now it's my turn to do the address!"

"Is this all you do on cargo flights?" Gloria asked.

"Pretty much."


	5. The Inspection Part One

The Inspection

"Today is our inspection." Carolyn stated, tenting her fingers in a thoughtful manner as they all sat around the table in the portacabin.

"We know." Martin sighed.

"Quiet you!" She snapped. "I want best behaviour from all of you. And do note I am looking at ALL of you."

"Even me?" Gloria squeaked.

"Yes." Carolyn said. "I heard about you 'accidentally' dropping soup on an affluent passenger of BA after he was rude to you all."

"I overheard him call my friend Lola a 'try hard drag act' and treated ME like his personal slave!"

"You were entirely justified in your actions Gloria; I would have done the same. But today, be polite to him even if he is rude."

"Yes Aunty."

"So do you all understand? Best behaviour." Carolyn addressed them all. "Big smiles and good manners all round...And oh Arthur what are you doing?"

"A big smile." He looked positively demented.

"Tone it down a little; just your ordinary inane grin is fine. You look like a shark." Carolyn said.

"Sharks are brilliant though..."

"Aren't they just." Muttered Douglas.

"Douglas, no tricks and no comedy PA announcements today." Carolyn said, "Same for you Martin."

"I suppose I can refrain from doing so." Douglas said,

"I'll make sure he doesn't." Martin added. Douglas shot him an icy glare, which made Martin a little uncomfortable.

"Well, I suppose we better be off." Carolyn said, standing up.

"Where to?" Arthur asked.

"Kiruna in Sweden. It's in the far North of the country" Replied Gloria. "Heaven knows why the inspector is there."

"Hm, all I know is it is ridiculously expensive to land there." Carolyn mused.

_Later in Kiruna..._

Gloria stood for a moment blinking at the scene before her. Perhaps it was a trick of the light, or some sort of cold induced mirage. She rubbed her eyes with her gloved hands, nope, it was still there. She approached Gertie with slight trepidation, "Guys, are you...are you, alright?" She asked.

"Well Gloria." Douglas sighed, "Look at what is before you and think for yourself, are we alright?"

"Um, well, no." Gloria said. Douglas was leaning against Gertie in a nonchalant manner. Martin was gripping the handle of the hold door and Arthur in a very compromising position with his arms around Martin. Gloria didn't want to know where his hands were currently."Care to explain what happened? And please keep it brief."

"I had to check the hold, make sure the temperature was down so we weren't wasting money heating it. I took my gloves off to turn the dial you see and..." Martin trailed off, "I may have-have forgotten to put them back on when closing the hold door thus freezing my hands to the handle."

"Oh, right." Gloria crossed her arms. "And...then what?"

"I came out upon hearing Martin's shouts." Douglas said, "And in my hurry to mock his situation I neglected to put on gloves. I was not stupid enough to touch the hold doors to help Martin, but..."

"You were stupid enough to lean against the outside of Gertie whilst leisurely mocking poor Martin. Well serves you right Douglas." Gloria finished. "Arthur. What is your explanation?"

"Douglas called me out of Gertie and told me to fetch the alcohol to free them." Arthur said. There was a pause,

"So how did you end up like this with your arms around Martin's middle?" Gloria asked.

"The keys are in his pocket."

"And?"

"I keep them on a lanyard, well, a chain, so I know where they are at all times and I don't lose them." Martin said.

"Oh no. You put your un-gloved hand in Martin's pocket and froze your hand to the keys." Gloria sighed. "What about the other hand?"

"I had to try and free it some how."

"Why are your hands still in Martin's pockets? Surely it'll look less...dodgy if you took them out, I mean, they are on a chain right?"

"I'm keeping them warm!" Arthur said.

"You're all idiots." Gloria said, "Wait here and I'll get the alcohol. Good thing I have the spare key."

"Oh damn, we were all going to pop to the duty free whilst you're gone." Douglas drawled sarcastically.

"Do you know what this reminds me of chaps?" said Arthur, rather brightly. "St Petersburg."

"You do have a point Arthur." Douglas muttered.

"Stop jiggling your hand Arthur, it's making me uncomfortable." Martin said, squirming a little.

"You smell nice Skip, new aftershave?" Arthur asked.

"Yes as a matter of fact it is! Thanks."

"Bought to impress the inspector right?" Douglas said, cocking an eyebrow.

"Who else would there be to impress?"

"A certain...lady acquaintance, perhaps?"

"What, do you mean Mum?" Arthur piped up. Douglas rolled his eyes,

"Yes Arthur." He said, "Martin is trying to impress _Carolyn_."

"Oh." Arthur said a little crestfallen, "I thought you were going to say Gloria that's all."

"Is there a problem with that?"

"Wha-No! Gloria..." Arthur stopped and pursed his lips.

"Was there something you were going to say?"

"No?" Arthur squeaked.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes?"

"Hmm." Douglas narrowed his eyes at Arthur. "Was it something Gloria said to you?"

"...I can't tell you."

"Why?"

"I pinkie swore on it."

"You _pinkie swore_ on it. Of course. The most ancient and sacred of pacts between men." Douglas said.

"And women." Arthur added. "Gloria is a woman."

"Gloria is indeed a woman." Gloria echoed, coming across the icy tarmac towards them, a bottle of vodka in her hand. "Right, first of all before I free you all." She pulled out her phone and snapped a couple of pictures.

"What are you doing?" Shrieked Martin. "I don't want pictures of me looking so unprofessional circulating amongst your BA friends!"

"Hey! Calm down Martin, it's just for me to show Aunty! She'll never believe me if I told her the great Douglas Richardson idiotically froze his hand to the plane." She pocketed her phone, "It's just Douglas I took a photo of, you two she'd believe if I told her you had froze your hands to Gertie." She pointed one gloved finger at Douglas "Don't even think about stealing the phone Douglas, I just emailed it to my computer. So unless you're up for a bit of light burglary, those photos will never be destroyed!"

"Nothing is beneath me when it comes to protecting my dignity." Douglas said, dangerously quiet. Gloria was unscrewing the bottle,

"Right then Arthur, take your hands out of Martin's pockets and stop groping his leg, I don't care how warm it is. And that's a sentence I hope I will never have to use again." She said. Arthur took his hand out obligingly and Gloria tipped some vodka over his hands, carefully avoiding any splashes onto Martin's coat.

"I'm free! I'm free!" Arthur cheered.

"Alright, now go into Gertie and make some tea. Do NOT touch the doors, ok?" Gloria said,

"Right- ho Gloria!" He said, and scuttled inside.

"You're next Martin." Gloria said, leaning down to pour the alcohol onto his hands. "Don't worry, lots of people have frozen something to metal at some point, I'm sure of it."

"Have you?" Martin asked,

"Nnno." She replied. "Put it this way, Douglas did. And Douglas is well...Douglas." She tipped some vodka onto his hand. "Are you wearing aftershave?"

"Yes." Martin said rather proudly, "Yes I am."

"Hm, smells nice. It's not too strong. Most men lag it on, thus killing everything in a five mile radius with a sense of smell. I like it." Gloria said, "And now you're free! Make sure Arthur hasn't frozen his hands to anything vital, like the kettle."

"Thanks." Martin rubbed his hands together, trying to get the sensation back into them.

"Stick them under a tap with gradually warming water." Gloria said, he nodded and trudged back into the plane. "Your turn I believe, Douglas."

"Yippee." He said, as she poured the alcohol over his hand.

"Nobody's perfect Douglas." She said, "Don't take it personally."

"I know. But I am so close it scares me."

"Hmm." Gloria said, "Any way, let's go back into Gertie before Aunty finds us with a open bottle of vodka and jumps to conclusions."

**(To be continued)**


	6. The inspection Part two

The inspection part 2

(Thank you for all being so patient whilst I wrote this!)

"It was incredibly fortunate that your inspection fell around now, and that you agreed to come here." Ms Rachett, the sour faced, middle-aged inspector remarked to Carolyn.

"Oh, well no request is too difficult at MJN Air." Carolyn said graciously. She had to jog a little to keep up with Ms Rachett's long strides. "May I inquire to the nature of you being here?"

"Ski-ing holiday. Some friends of mine have a lodge not far from here." Ms Rachett said, briskly.

"And did you have a pleasant time?"

"Not really, I detest ski-ing."

"Oh."

"But the atmosphere was nice enough." Ms Rachett let out a sigh, stopping suddenly. "Is that your plane over there?" Carolyn looked to where she was pointing,

"No, I am afraid not. You see that little plane over there? That's Gertie."

"Gertie?" Ms Rachett repeated. Carolyn nodded,

"Yes, that's right. Gertie. As in Golf, Echo, Romeo, Tango, India. We call her Gertie as a gesture of affection." Ms Rachett looked at Carolyn, lips pinched tightly together.

"Well, okay then. Let us board, er, _Gertie_ and see your crew. I assume they are ready for my arrival." She said, and started to stride over to Gertie.

"It would be a sheer miracle." Muttered Carolyn, before jogging after Ms Rachett once again.

Carolyn found the crew all hiding in the cockpit, "Right you lot, out and meet the inspector. She seems very keen to meet you all, heaven knows why."

"She?" Inquired Douglas.

"Yes, she. But there's no use trying to charm your way to passing the inspection Douglas, she's icier than the weather outside." Carolyn said. She flattened Arthur's hair down a little, causing him to wriggle away.

"Mum!" He said indignantly. "I'm an adult!"

"Contrary to public knowledge." Douglas quipped.

"Shut up Douglas." Carolyn said flatly. "Martin, you go first, you are the Captain after all. And... Martin? Are you standing on your toes?" Martin gave an indignant snort, but sank a couple of inches anyway. "Out, come on. Let's get this over with."

Douglas still managed to get in front of Martin, much to his annoyance, and extended a hand to Ms Rachett. "First Officer Douglas Richardson. Pleasure to meet you." Ms Rachett looked him over, lips pinched tightly together.

"You too." She said, and shook his hand. Ms Rachett narrowed her eyes at him a little, "You were at Air England, were you not?"

"I was indeed."

"And you were a Captain then."

"Correct." Douglas nodded.

"Until you got fired for smuggling." Ms Rachett gave a slight smile, "What a blow it must be to be back in the First Officers seat, not the Captains."

"Yes." Douglas said, forcing a polite smile. Martin quickly stepped forward,

"I-I am the Captain." He said, offering his trembling hand to her. "Captain M-Martin Crieff." Ms Rachett wrung his hand limply, obviously feeling the poor Captain's tremors.

"Ah yes. I read up on you before I came. What was it; seven goes to pass your CPL?" She asked, "What dedication you show Captain Crieff. Most people would have quit after failing once, but some are stubborn." Martin didn't quite know how to respond to this so just gave a weak chuckle and slid back next to Douglas with his head bowed like a scolded child. Carolyn gave Arthur a nudge and he stepped forward,

"Hello, I'm Arthur!" He said, enthusiastically shaking Ms Rachett's hand. She smiled and pulled her hand from his grasp.

"Well you certainly are very cheery!" She said.

"Thank you!" Arthur beamed.

"This doesn't quite make up for your ineptitude as a Steward from what I've seen of reviews from passengers." Ms Rachett said coldly, "But, no one is perfect." Arthur opened his mouth, trying to think of a reply.

"I don't know what to say." He managed, blinking like a rabbit caught in headlights. Ms Rachett adjusted her jacket,

"Then don't say anything at all." She said, quickly. Her gaze fell on Gloria, and she double took. "Gloria?" She asked. Gloria had been almost hidden behind Douglas; she inched around with a nervous smile on her face.

"Er, hello Ms Rachett. What a surprise to see you." She said, shuffling her feet on the matted carpet.

"And you too!" Ms Rachett said, "Are you quite well?"

"Perfectly well."

"But, why are you here?" Ms Rachett asked, brow furrowing. Gloria waved a hand airily,

"Oh, Carolyn is my Aunt and I sometimes help out here." She replied, "It's good to have an experience of charter airlines and that sort of thing."

"Right." Ms Rachett nodded, looking between Gloria and Carolyn, "I see." She gave a sharp intake of breath and reinstated her smile, "How is Captain DeVilliers? Is he well?" Gloria gave a slight squeak,

"Uh, y-yes." She stammered.

"He's a handsome boy, you did well there." Ms Rachett said. Gloria was slowly starting to flush pink,

"Yeah." She said quietly, "He is. He's very handsome."

"You are getting on well?"

"Hm." Gloria had a rather manic smile on her lips, eyes wide. She was nodding fervently, "Better than expect actually..." The rest of the crew were staring at her with a mixture of amusement and disbelief.

"I am glad to hear it! He didn't seem your type really, but often opposites attract." Ms Rachett said with a dismissive air. Gloria still had the manic grin plastered on her face,

"Indeed." Gloria squeaked. She cleared her throat a little, "Indeed." She repeated weakly. Ms Rachett didn't seem to notice Gloria's unease, and started to flick through an assortment of official looking papers.

"Introductions over, shall we get on our way?" She said to Carolyn.

"Yes." Carolyn exhaled, "Martin and Douglas, back to your little hideaway. Arthur, get Ms Rachett a drink. Gloria." She fixed Gloria with a steely gaze, "Come with me a moment." Gloria nodded and followed her Aunt in the direction of the toilet.

Why Carolyn had chosen to speak to her in the toilet was beyond Gloria, and yet she had allowed herself to cram into the cubicle with her Aunt, perching awkwardly in the sink. "What is it Aunty?" She inquired sweetly.

"See here madam." Carolyn said sternly, "I do not give a flying fig what is happening in your personal life with this Captain fellow."

"Oh." Gloria said, "B-"

"But Ms Rachett seems to like you, and that may work in our favour. I'm not asking for you to suck up to her, just do all her stewardessing from herein. That way idiot boy is less likely to say something incriminating." Carolyn cut across her. Gloria squirmed on her uncomfortable perch.

"Will do Aunty." She assured her.

"Good. You go and see to Ms Rachett, I shall find a way of incapacitating Arthur." Carolyn said, and squeezed out of the cubicle, leaving Gloria to untangle herself from the taps.

"Of course it _had_ to be a _Captain_." Martin remarked for the umpteenth to Douglas. "An airline _Captain_. Not a First Officer, a CAPTAIN."

"You do know he could be in the Navy..." Douglas offered. Martin scoffed,

"She knows him Douglas, he's a bloody pilot!" He said, voice raising a few octaves. Douglas shushed him,

"Can we just try and leave this subject now and concentrate on flying the plane?" He suggested. "And if it is any consolation, I don't think it would have worked between you." Martin gave a small groan,

"Oh thanks!" He sighed. "Too good for the likes of me, eh?"

"No. I think she would make a better friend to you. And friends are what you need Martin, in life. Love is just an added bonus. That too if you _did_ date her, the fall out wouldn't be so messy. Or awkward. Friends are more permanent." Douglas said wisely. Martin considered this for a moment.

"You- you have a point there Douglas." He admitted. "You're a prime example of love not being permanent."

"Charming." Douglas muttered. "But I am glad I helped in some way."

"Hi chaps!" Arthur bustled in with a tray of drinks, and a strange assortment of cakes. "Mum said I have to stay with you or in the galley for this trip. Gloria is doing all Ms Rachett's stewardessing."

"A wise precaution." Douglas said, "What are those? Have you turned your hand to patisserie now Arthur?"

"Oh these?" Arthur pointed to the cakes. "It was Gloria's idea. She and Mum bought them in the shop, they're proper Swedish cakes these are. They taste brilliant! Want one?"

"Not for a moment." Douglas declined. Arthur shrugged and helped himself to one.

"Tha' Ms Rachett is a bi' mean, innshee?" He said, spitting crumbs everywhere. Martin brushed them off his shoulder,

"A bit?" Martin said, "She's downright cruel."

"Mmrph." Arthur nodded, mouth still full. "Did yoo shee 'ow she made Gloria go? She looked like yoo Shkip!"

"Thanks." Martin said. Arthur swallowed his mouthful,

"I have never seen her look so scared before." He announced. "She once chased a huge spider out of the room. Massive it was." He gave a shudder. "Gloria didn't scream, unlike me."

"How brave of her." Douglas said. "Tell me Arthur, did you know about this Captain DeVilliers?" Arthur rolled his eyes back, thinking.

"No." He said, eventually. "Do you think it's her boyfriend? I think it could be." He took another bite of the cake. "Bu' if it was, why didn' she tell me? She tells me ev'rytfing."

"_Everything_?" Douglas echoed. "Absolutely everything?"

"Well. Some stuff..." Arthur admitted. "Wond'r what he's like?" He swallowed, then helped himself to another cake.

"I don't know, but let's see what we can find out." Douglas pulled out Gloria's phone from his jacket pocket. Arthur gasped,

"Douglas! That's her phone!"

"Well observed Arthur." Douglas said, "I pick pocketed her mainly to prevent her from showing Carolyn those pictures, and because I thought it would be a bit of fun." He pressed a few buttons on it, brow furrowing. "Damn."

"What? What is it?" Martin asked, craning his neck to look.

"It's locked." Douglas said. "You need a password to get in." Arthur was chewing thoughtfully on his mouthful of cake.

"She doesn't want you to see it then." He said, "And besides, you should probably give it back to her. It's not nice to steal things."

"Borrowing." Douglas said, turning the phone over in his hands. "I had every intention of giving it back. May we have a cake before you eat them all Arthur?"

Ms Rachett was looking over the interior of Gertie, glasses perched perilously on the end of her nose. She made little tutting noises every so often, marking something down on her clipboard. Carolyn hovered around her, occasionally offering explanations or trying to make conversation with her. "Is this gaffer tape?" Ms Rachett asked Carolyn, pointing to a hastily mended armrest.

"Carpet tape actually." Carolyn said, lightly. "It is stronger. We have ordered a new armrest, I assure you." Ms Rachett pursed her lips together, and marked something down.

"We have Ms Rachett; I can show you the order forms. We brought some of the paper work with us." Gloria said, stood behind Carolyn. "Would you like to see?"

"No, no I do believe you." Ms Rachett said, sharply. "Is that supposed to rattle?" The window fitting had started to shake, making a loud vibrating noise.

"No." Carolyn gave it a thump with her hand and it stopped immediately. Ms Rachett made a small disapproving noise, and wrote something down. She looked to the folding tables in the back of the seats, examining them closely.

"Crayon." She said, disgusted. "There is crayon on this one."

"It is incredibly difficult to shift." Gloria said, quickly. "But it is fading, slowly." Ms Rachett was rubbing at it with her fingertip.

"You know what children are like. They get bored easily on long journeys." Carolyn said.

"I do not have children." Ms Rachett announced. "I have cats."

"No surprise." Carolyn muttered, under her breath. Ms Rachett frowned,

"Pardon?"

"Nothing!" Carolyn smiled sweetly. "Gloria, fetch Ms Rachett something to eat. Quickly now." Gloria nodded, and slipped off to the galley.

Whilst there, she popped her head around the cockpit door to see how they were getting on. "Hi guys." She said, brightly. There was a mumbled greeting from them all. "Oh. What's with the sour faces? Did she get to you?"

"A little." Arthur muttered. Gloria patted his shoulder,

"Don't mind her; she's just a bit nasty. She's like it with everyone. I think you're a brilliant steward."

"Really?" Arthur's usual smile grew on his face. "You think so?"

"I do." Gloria said, nodding fervently.

"You certainly kept this DeVilliers chap a secret." Douglas said, "When would we get to meet him?"

"Capt-" Gloria started, then Carolyn called her name from within the plane. Gloria sighed, and started her sentence again, "Captain-"

"GLORIA!" Carolyn bellowed, "Do hurry up!"

"Coming!" Gloria said, irritably, and stomped off back into the cabin to a flustered Carolyn and an unimpressed Ms Rachett.

Luck had been smiling kindly on the crew of MJN Air, and they passed the inspection. Carolyn had been left with a list of improvements as thick as a phonebook, though utterly relieved MJN was still allowed to fly. Even Douglas seemed pleased they had passed, admitting he would miss MJN _slightly_ if they had failed. This was probably as close as Douglas would ever get to admitting he liked it at MJN. Martin remained sour though, sulking in a sullen silence as they had a 'debrief' in the portacabin. His foul mood had not gone unnoticed by Carolyn. "Martin." She said, "Why are you sulking in the corner like a moody teenager? Do you not have an input on this?"

"I do." He said, curtly. "I cannot help but feel we may have only passed because Ms Rachett knows and, dare I say, likes Gloria and her boyfriend, Captain DeVilliers."

"H-" Gloria started, only to be interrupted by Carolyn.

"Martin, Gloria did not in any way try to influence her during the inspection." She said, "I was there the whole time. She never tried to try and cajole her into letting us pass."

"But still she may have had affection towards the two of them." Martin interjected. "Maybe she felt bad about failing us since Gloria is here. Her friendship with them was clear the whole time!"

"Act-" Gloria said, only to once more be interrupted.

"What does it matter now Martin?" Carolyn said, "We _passed_. Are you not pleased?"

"Well, yes!" Martin said. "But I still have this nagging doubt we only passed because she likes Gloria and Captain DeVilliers!" Carolyn snorted,

"For heavens sake Martin! This is no way as bad as anything we have done in the past to sa-"

"I HATE THE WOMAN." Gloria yelled. The portacabin fell silent, all staring at Gloria. She sighed, "I find her to be incredibly cold, cruel and completely aggravating."

"But still she seemed to like..." Martin trailed off as Gloria gave him an icy glare.

"I also despise Captain DeVilliers." She added.

"But, you said you liked him?" Arthur said, confused. "So, you lied to her?" Gloria nodded her head,

"I kept trying to tell you, but no one would listen." She sighed, "I was lying to Ms Rachett, okay? He is a stuck up ponce, who spends all day preening and posing."

"Most do." Douglas said. "Captain's often have inflated views on themselves, think themselves grand and above all." Martin harrumphed indignantly. Gloria looked a little bemused, but then started to giggle.

"He isn't actually a Captain. That is his name." She said. "Or to give him his full name, Captain Rolando DeVilliers of Avacroft. He's a pedigree Persian me and my flatmates, Lola and Bonnie, bought off Ms Rachett two years ago. I hate him, stupid bloody useless furball. I like cats, but he just sits around all day, sleeping and posing. That isn't a cat, that's an elegant ornament!"

"_OH_." The rest of the crew said, "Why didn't you say so!" Carolyn said.

"As I said, I tried, but no one would listen!" Gloria said. "Now THAT has been explained, I will take THIS." She leant over and grabbed her phone out of Douglas's pocket. "I have, on here, pictures of Douglas frozen to the side of Gertie, for your amusement Aunty."

"Young lady, have some respect for your elders! Morally, I refuse to look at them." Carolyn said, indignantly. "However, since it is Douglas, my morals are some what lax, pass it here Gloria."

"I don't think your morals were ever particularly strong Carolyn." Douglas grumbled.


End file.
